


Make me better

by Dear_alexander_potter



Category: Glee
Genre: Dalton Academy Warblers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:46:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22246549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dear_alexander_potter/pseuds/Dear_alexander_potter
Summary: Blaine and Kurt meet on the roof of Dalton Academy, the encounter helps them see the world differently. But will this new light last and what happens if they fall apart againMAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF HARM
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for- suicide attempts, self harm,depression

Blaine’s POV 

Truth be told I don’t know why I’m standing here. It didn’t work last time, no reason this time will be any different. I look at the boy next to me, his sleeves are rolled up, revealing a patchwork of scars, both new and old. I’d never cut myself, I didn’t see the point in tearing myself apart physically since I already do such a good job of it mentally. 

He appeared five minutes after me, well it could have been five years for all I know, only the watch on my wrist tells me differently. Hey I should really take that off, don’t want it getting all smashed up, besides someone else may as well have it once I’m gone.

Unless my dad wants it back, better take my phone out my pocket too. He would care more about those expensive things being crushed than his own son. Well, each to their own I say.

The boy gives me a strange look when I turn and place them down, “What?” he shakes his head “Oh, I’m sorry, did you want them?” It’s a joke of course, I hope he knows that. They’re also the first words either of us have said to each other, at least since we got up here. I don’t know if we’ve spoken before, I’m sure I would have noticed him, he looks...nice. Pretty, charming, well put together. He looks happy, if you ignore the cuts.

He also looks gay.

Now I’ve always prided myself on my gaydar, privately of course, but I don’t think I need a very good one to see that this guys is almost 100% gay. There’s just something about him, do other people see this in me too, is this why my father always hated me, why I’ve always been bullied?

The truth is if we hadn’t met in this situation, I would be interested. The truth is he looks fun, even to have as a friend. 

That would be nice, a friend. There’s the Warblers, but they don’t care about me. If they did they would have seen. They would have seen _me._ They would have noticed how I felt, what I was going to do.

I walk back over to the edge. Nice view!

And then the boy speaks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that quite a lot of this chapter is the song buuuuut here you go!  
> Feedback is greatly appreciated!

_*Kurts POV*_

I’m Kurt” I extend my hand towards him, I don’t know what else to do. The boy doesn’t have any scars visible like me, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there.  
I’m not sure why I displayed them, I guess I thought they would find them anyway, when I'm gone, I might as well show them to me. 

“Blaine.” He takes my hand and shakes it, “So....you come here often” He cracks a smile, and I can’t help but laugh. “No, its my first time.” I think he knows what I mean. “Really,” he nods thoughtfully, then his face goes blank, “My second.” 

I want to ask, I know I shouldn’t. But I do “What happened then?” “ I misjudged it, didn’t break much, a few bones sure, I was unconscious for a bit, I’ve got some stitches on my right leg. Didn’t kill me though. Well I guess you know that...” he laughs again, I'm beginning to wonder if he’s slightly mad, but then again he’s not the only one on this roof. 

*Blaine’s POV*

“So why are you here?” “I’m not worth it.” his answer is simple, to the point. I get it. 

“What about you?” I guess it’s only fair that I answer too. 

“They always said that one day everything would be better, One day I would be happy, One day I would be normal.” he nods “And then I realised that maybe that one day wasn’t worth these every days.” he nods again and I know he understands.

The wind blows and I close my eyes against it. I can’t get enough of this feeling, it’s an addiction.

I hear him stumble slightly and catch his breath. “You good?” he hums and maybe nods in response, my eyes are still closed. I don’t want to face the world.

“You come here often?” his voice is even higher pitched than before, he’s clearly shaken by the near fall.

I nod. This may only be my second attempt, but I love being up here. I’ve always loved heights, up here, everything below me is tiny, it makes me feel like powerful, like I could actually change something.

Rooves are my safe place, I know it’s stupid, but there’s never anyone up here, until this new kid. I can come close to escaping the world, even without jumping.

Maybe that’s why I want to jump – because I’ll get to see the sky as I’m dying. I looked down last time, if I ever do it again I’ll look up.

_If._

Before now I was sure today was the day, nothing particularly bad happened today, just life, but it felt right, but now I’m not so sure. There’s just something about this kid, I want to know his story.

“I was bullied at my old school, I had friends but they couldn’t do anything,” he speaks before I can. “don’t you mind what they’ll do when you’re gone?”

“No,” he pauses, “they have eachother.” I can tell just from that- he’s thought about this, not like me. My first time was on impulse. I just stepped off. 

Maybe that’s why I didn’t die, not enough force, maybe you have to put some effort into killing yourself.  
It doesn’t make any sense, I want to die because I’m so tired of life, the least they could do is make it easy for me, for us, to go.

“My dad.” “what?” “My dad,” I still don’t know where he’s going with this, “My dad, is the only reason im still here, I would have done it years ago other wise, I didn’t have many friends then, but my dad, my dad didn’t have anyone. Mom died when I was 7.” I can see he doesn’t want to focus on this part “So what changed?” “Glee.” “You sing?” “yeh, yeh I do.” this catches me by surprise, I can imagine he would sing well though. 

The truth is its why I come up here alot, I love to sing. I come up here and let the wind carry my words away. 

Maybe we'll sing together later, but right now I want to know more. “what did glee change?” “Finn.” his voice stays steady, but I can see his eyes watering, “I had a crush on this jock, - Finn,” he laughs at himself a little “So I, I set his mum up with my dad.” "Let me guess, it worked a little too well huh?” 

“Pretty much. I got over my crush on Finn sharpish, as well. But anyway, my dad has them now. I know it will hurt him if I go, but I can’t stand this anymore, besides I’ll get to see my mum again. Sometimes I think she’s the only one who could understand me.”

I don’t really know what to say, probably better to say nothing then, I don’t want to mess anything more up.  
“hey, you’re the Warblers lead right?” I’m surprised he knows this “yeh, I guess that’s one way to put it.”  
“So you wanna sing?” “of course! It’s what I do most often up here.” 

And next thing I know he’s opened his mouth to start singing. His voice is angelic, like nothing I’ve ever heard before.

_The power lines went out  
And I am all alone  
But I don't really care at all  
Not answering my phone  
All the games you played  
The promises you made  
Couldn't finish what you started  
Only darkness still remains_

_Lost sight  
Couldn't see  
When it was you and me  
Blow the candles out  
Looks like a solo tonight  
I'm beginning to see the light  
Blow the candles out  
Looks like a solo tonight  
But I think I'll be alright_

When I hear our voices together, it feels-it feels like I’m home. Singing with the Warblers is always great but this, this is different. This is where I’m meant to be, where I want to be, and if that means being alive then so be it.

_Been black and blue before  
There's no need to explain  
I am not the jaded kind  
Playback's such a waste  
You're invisible  
Invisible to me  
My wish is coming true  
Erase the memory of your face_

_Lost sight  
Couldn't see  
When it was you and me_

_Blow the candles out  
Looks like a solo tonight  
I'm beginning to see the light  
Blow the candles out  
Looks like a solo tonight  
But I think I'll be alright_

_One day  
You will wake up  
With nothing but "you're sorrys"  
And someday  
You will get back  
Everything you gave me  
Blow the candles out  
Looks like a solo tonight  
I'm beginning to see the light  
Blow the candles out  
Looks like a solo tonight  
But I think I'll be alright._

I don’t want the song to end. I don’t want _this_ to end. Maybe today isn’t the day to go. 

I can see my own feelings reflected on Kurt's face, he’s reconsidering too. 

And I know it then. We saved eachother.

But I also know this might not be the last time we have to.


	3. Chapter 3

*Kurt’s POV* 

I don’t know what this means. This song – this connection I feel with him. 

Blaine.

It’s a nice name. 

“Soooo - you still sure about this?” his question takes me by surprise, then again, so does my answer. “No.” It’s the first time I’ve been honest about how I feel, almost ever. 

It is true isn’t it? I don’t actually want to die. But why? Why do I feel this way about a complete stranger, he doesn’t feel like a stranger though. I recognise him, and not from some stupid competition, but somewhere deep down in my soul. 

I almost know it then, but I’m not ready for that realisation yet. 

Besides what if I’m completely wrong - I was just about to jump off a bloody roof after all, I’m clearly not the most mentally stable person ever. Then again neither is Blaine. 

“Alright well if you’re sure, I’m gonna head back down now. Wanna come with?” I nod and follow him. I know he would stay if I did, he wouldn’t let me die now. 

I take his outstreched hand and follow him down, I manage not to slip and send us both hurtling to our deaths, thank Mcqueen, can you imagine the irony? 

Once were back on the top floor of regular Dalton he says “So I was thinking; we should do this again sometime, maybe just not on the roof huh.” he smiles, and it’s irresistible. “Sure. I was thinking of joining the Warblers anyway.” he’s just one more reason too “Well, I for one would love to see you there.” he grins and walks off. I roll my sleeves back down and stare after him for a minute before I think to speak again, “See you tomorrow,” I don’t know if he’ll hear me now but he turns back with a grin and waves again. 

I walk out of school, images of Blaine, snippets of our song, swirling around in my head. A loud honk startles me out of my daze. 

“Hey kiddo! Thought I’d come and pick you up today.” Dad. Thank Mcqueen I didn’t do it. I couldn’t bare him being the one to find me. Anyone but him. 

“Dad!” I know my screech is over exagerrated, I know people are turning to look, but I can’t let him have any idea. He can’t lose hope in me. “I go to climb in the front but he stops me. “What?” 

“We're picking up your brother too, can’t have him getting jealous.” “Daaaad, Finn’s not going to care where I’m sitting.” I don’t comment on the brother bit – he is my brother now. He shrugs it off and chuckles, moving his arm to let me climb in “Alright but don’t blame me when he gets all pouty.” I laugh too and fall back into my familiar character, the happy Kurt everyone knows. 

Everyone except Blaine. 

“So how was your fist day?” 

*Blaine’s POV* 

“I’m hooooome” I thunk my bag down on the table and call into the empty house. My parents are away in Florida, or Connecticut, maybe Kansas? Not here anyway. Anywhere but here with their dirty, disappointment of a son. Mom checks in every now and then, Not that she cares, probably just has some sense of duty. You'd think she’d do more then, maybe stop him once in a while, maybe not leave me alone all the time. 

But I’m glad of the silence, I’d rather that than the yells. 

Coop said he’d phone later but he wouldn’t mind if I missed him. It could have been days before any of them noticed I was gone. Of course someone at school would have noticed before then, would have found me. The hospital would call them, and they’d come rushing back to play the dutiful roles, the distraught family members. 

It would have been just like last time. Only I would have died. 

I would have had to die. I couldn’t risk another failed attempt. Those months were the longest mom had stayed around my whole life, the psychiatrist said it had been a cry for help. Well what the bloody hell would it be otherwise. Just a fun prank? “Sorry I fell off the roof mom, guess I’m just a bit clutzy today.” 

I go about my business for a while; shower, do some homework – oh yeh that’s why I chose today: there’s an algebra test tomorrow. Welp better study my lil butt of now. Or not. 

I’m never going to be some great mathemetician, that much is obvious. If I do make it to the future I’d do something about performing, I could be a singer, an actor, Maybe musical theatre? Anything that lets me get away from myself. 

I want to close my text book, there’s no point in studying if I’ll fail anyway, but if I don’t at least show that I’m trying they’ll kick me out of the Warblers., and I can’t let that happen. They’re my only reason for being here. 

Besides Kurt’s joining tomorrow, and I’m still curious about him. I can’t see why he’d want to die, he seems like he’s got friends, a loving family. People who are around him, who want to be around him. 

Maybe that’s another reason I’m still here, I don’t believe in destiny, but I can’t help thinking we were meant to meet today. 

I have however, always loved the idea of soulmates. For me there’s a fine line between destiny and soulmates. I can choose my own life, but it’s a comforting thought that there’s someone out there for everyone. That someone might love _me._

. 

*Kurt’s POV* 

I woke up more excited than usual. Well maybe not quite excited, but I didn’t feel the instant wave of dread I normally do. Today meant school. And for once school didn’t mean Karofsky terrorising me, it meant Dalton. And Dalton meant the Warblers, which also meant Blaine. 

Thoughts of the mysterious boy from yesterday were still swimming around in my head. I couldn’t seem to escape him, I was glad of it though, because as long as I was thinking about him, I wasn’t thinking about everything else.   
.   
The first few periods seemed to pass me by in a blur. It was the in between that got to me. The not wanting to look stupid when you don’t know where to go. The pause when your name is called as you work up the courage to say here _(just bloody say it already weirdo)_ the constant shivers as you feel everyone judging you. The unsettling feeling in your stomach _your not good enough, you don’t belong here, go home freak._ I want to turn and run, McKinley isn’t safe but at least I know what’s coming. I can be prepared for Karofsky. 

While he’s tormenting me no-one cares, I can just fade off into the background. No-one watches me. 

For so many years the only voice I had for company was my own. And the one in my head. That’s why I love singing. 

When I sing it drowns out the world around me, and the one inside my head. 

Maybe I’ve made a mistake coming here. McKinley wasn’t that bad. My only consistent attacker was Karofsky, and the one inside my head. 

I know it’s stupid. 

_Yeah just like you_

I know my reasons for coming here are valid. 

_Just like your reasons for dying_

I know this could be a chance for me, to make real friends. 

_Who would ever want to hang out with you._

Shut up. 

“Shut UP.” Shit. I said that out loud. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. 

Idiot. Stupid Kurt why! Why did you have to go and do that. 

_Finally showing the real you eh_

Kurt. Calm down. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Nobody cares. 

I try to slow my breathing but- 

_You know there’s only one way to feel better. The same thing you always do._  
No. Not here.  
 _Cut. Cut. Cut. CUT._

For once in my life I don’t worry about what other people will think. I just have to get out of there now. I grab my stuff and bolt out the classroom. 

They won’t want to see me there again. I’ll be kicked out the school, and sent back to Loserville. 

_Well, it’s where you belong isn’t it._

I shake my head and run faster. I’m running blindly. Even if I had a vague sense of where to go I can’t see through my fucking tears. 

I finally find the bathrooms and practically crawl inside. 

“Kurt, Kurt wait!” It’s only then I hear the footsteps chasing after me, only then I hear the familiar voice. 

*Blaine's POV* 

Fuck. 

I know what he’s doing in there, and it ain’t nothing like taking a piss. 

“Kurt. Please just, just come out, I-“ I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what the hell to do here. 

“No! Just leave Blaine.” His voice is fierce, but undeniably shaky. “Please Kurt. Don’t do this.” “I have to Blaine,” he’s practically growling now. “No. No you don’t. There are other ways Kurt. Come on, don’t you think I of all people understand.” 

“No you don’t understand, Blaine” he says my name harshly, and chokes a bit afterwards. “No one does. No one else has this sick need to cut themselves up.” 

“Okay. Maybe you’re right, I don’t cut myself. But think about how we met idiot, I’m clearly not living the dream.” A laugh breaks out from beneath his sobs. I could listen to that laugh all day. One day I want to have all the time in the world to listen to that laugh. But now is not the time. “Listen, I’m not going anywhere, so either you come out or I’ll just stay here ‘til the end of the day.” he’s silent, apart from a few sobs. 

It kills me that I can’t make him feel better, that I can’t hold him close and soothe him back to reality. I know he probably won’t come out any time soon. I know my teacher will wonder where I am, and who knows what Kurt’s is thinking. Kid ran out on his first day, it really doesn’t look good. But he’ll get through this. I know he will. 

I just thank whatever god – if there is one – up there that I left when I did. I didn’t even need the toilet, I just had to get out of that room. Maybe this is why. 

After a few minutes pass I sigh and drop my bag, settling down against the stall door and close my eyes against the world. 

. 

“I’m sorry.” Kurt’s croak startles me out of my daydream, and snaps me straight back to reality. 

“What for?” “I - I don’t know.” he pauses for a second, reconsidering maybe, “Just - everything. Making you miss this class, being an idiot, being me. Just existing.” 

He sounds so broken, hopeless. “Come out here.” he doesn’t hesitate this time, just opens the stall and practically falls into my arms. 

“Hey, hey. This, isn’t your fault alright. You are amazing. You are wonderful. And whatever it is that makes you feel this way, I promise to help you get rid of it, okay?” I tilt his chin gently so he’s looking me in the eyes again. “Sound good?” he nods and sniffles a bit “Only if you let me help you too.” “Okay.” I only say it to make him happy. 

I’m not an idiot. No one can help me. 

But for now I pull Kurt closer and hug him tighter. 

*Kurt’s POV* 

Safe. 

I feel safe in his arms.


	4. Chapter 4

*Blaine’s POV* 

I don’t know what to do. 

All I can think to do is break down with him. 

I’m supposed to be the one crying and shaking – it’s who I am. 

I can’t be the one to comfort. I’m too scared I’ll say the wrong thing. 

But I have to be for him what I never had. 

He has to see that we're not _all beyond hope._

I don’t know where all that sappy stuff came from before. I guess it is true. And I do want to help, I just don’t know how, well I do, but I don’t know how to actually do it. 

No one’s ever been here for me. 

Sometimes all I want is someone to hold me, someone to scream at, someone to cry into. Someone who’s just there. 

I wouldn’t need them to speak, I just want to know that not everyone is afraid to touch me, that maybe I’m not stuck with some incurable disease. 

So I do what I would want. What I hope he needs. Stand there and let him cry. 

*Kurt’s POV* 

He doesn’t speak again, and I’m glad of the silence. 

Eventually my hiccups quieten, my sniffles stop. 

We still stand there. 

I don’t know why he’s doing this, why he would want to help. 

Maybe he’s been here before. Maybe he’s been _me_. 

Only maybe no one was there for him. 

* 

His arms are still around me when the bell rings, his grip has loosened but his presence is still clear. 

Soon this place will be flooded with people. 

His shirt is still damp. 

It’s a miracle no-one has come in yet. 

Maybe they have. I wouldn’t know. 

I am surprised no-one else came after me, no-one from my class came looking. No concerned teacher or on-looker followed me. 

Then again why would they. 

But _he_ did. 

_Only because he had some sense of duty. Only because of yesterday._

And I know that might be true. But what he said. 

He did mean it didn’t he. 

“ **I promise to help you get rid of it** ” 

No-one's ever tried to help before. No-one's ever known before. 

So what the hell am I doing here, with an almost complete stranger, sobbing away. 

But I feel the same as I did yesterday, that connection. And the way his arms fit perfectly around me, how his head nestles close in the crook of my neck, how he knew just what to say. 

Part of me; the scared part wanted to step away, to run again and forget this ever happened, but another part; the insane bit wanted to kiss him right there and then, wanted to stay with him forever. 

But I’m not insane. At least not like that. 

I don’t kiss him. 

But I’m not scared either, not with Blaine. I don’t run, but I do step back, and just in time too. Because five seconds later a group of jostling boys came bursting in, they’re laughing faces turn to smirks as soon as they see us. 

Blaine turns to face them, seemingly almost in shock. I stepped back, but not far enough. They think they know what happened here. My hair is mussed at the front, Blaine’s lips are swollen from him chewing them too much, my sleeves are still rolled up. 

“Well, look what we have here,” the smirk doesn’t fall from the boy’s face once. Of all the people to have come in. 

So far Dalton has pretty much lived up to its idyllic front. Well apart from the whole suicidal students thing. Most of the students were decent, and I couldn’t ignore the fact that some even went out of their way to be nice. 

But every school has their bullies. The tormenters. The ones who always seem to get what they want. The ones who can scrape their way out of almost any situation. 

And it didn’t take me long – 2 periods with the boy in question – to know who the “master mind” of Daltons dark side was. 

Blaine turns to face him with a protective stance. “Get out of here Evan.” 

“Oh I’m sorry, I was under the impression this was the male bathroom.” well of course it was, Dalton only had female bathrooms for the teaches. “now I am quite clearly a male. You sissys on the other hand,” He paused as if thinking about what to say next “I’m not so sure about you.” 

Blaine’s defiant expression is gone, his face is blank. He visibly wilted at the insults. Evan doesn’t look as sure of himself anymore. We all know his point barely even makes sense, even his cronies don’t know wether to laugh or not. 

When I see Blaine shaking it’s the last straw. I step forward again and place my hand firmly on his shoulder. His fists clench and I know he’s close. Close to losing it completely. 

“I strongly suggest you leave. Now.” I can’t control the growl that comes out in my voice. They seem to waver for a bit before Evan just waves them away. 

Is it really that simple? Are they really that easy to control? What kind of hold does he have over them? But I know better than most that boys like Evan are capable of anything. 

“We’re not done here.” and he walks away too. Oh, but I so wish we were. 

Blaine turns to me “Thankyou.” I’m sure anyone else would have tears in their eyes. If those words awakened what I think they did in him, he should be a crumpled mess on the floor. The fact that he’s just standing there, a blank look on his face. Something is seriously wrong. 

How many times has he been through this? Who made him feel this way? Who _is_ Blaine really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its been a while, I'll try to update pretty soon again, I've just not been very inspired recently.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly Blaine's backstory. It's also hella long to make up for the fact that I haven't posted in about 10 years.
> 
> Trigger Warnings for: Homophobia and mentions of abuse
> 
> pls comment if i forgot something X

CHAPTER FIVE 

KURT’S POV 

I don’t really know what to do so I shuffle back over and hold him close again, “Do you want to talk about it?” my mouth is so close to his ear that I barely even have to speak for Blaine to hear. It somehow doesn’t feel strange to be this intimate with him. He steps back a bit and nods, “Just not here.” 

“Of course.” 

“After school at the Lima Bean.” It’s not a question, there’s no answer except that I’ll be there. I simply nod in response. He pauses as if realising something, he gives me his phone without another word. I put in my number and give it back. I try a smile on my face and he flashes a wary one back. 

“See you then.” Blaine’s voice is croaky and hoarse, I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want him to be alone. I’m afraid of what he’ll do, I don’t believe he’ll really do it though. Now he has a reason to stay, even if it’s just for today. 

. 

The end of school couldn’t come fast enough, it never can, but today is different, there’s something to look forward to even if it won’t necessarily be a joyous experience. 

Between 5th and 6th period I checked my phone to see a text from an unknown number. 

**Sorry about earlier. Hope you’re doing alright, still up for later?**

It worries me that he seems to have gone back to his same old act, he’s not the vulnerable boy from earlier. At least he’s not pretending it never happened, not that I would let him of course. 

**I’m sorry too :(**

Of course I’m still up for later, see you about 5? 

I stand outside my chemistry class, fiddling with my phone for a few seconds before it buzzes again: 

**Don’t apologise. See you then! 😊**

I should apologise. It was my fault. He wouldn’t have been there without me. 

Meeting at 5 means I have time to head home, change, and make sure I don’t look as much of a wreck as normal. Then again the cute guy I’m meeting isn’t someone I just banged into at school, he’s the guy who saved me from committing suicide, he’s the guy _I_ saved from dying. I guess I don’t have to look flawless – like that would even be possible – but I don’t want to turn up for a serious, (almost literally life or death) conversation being the sweaty, after school, teenage boy mess that I would be. 

Chemistry passes in a blur, I nearly set something on fire at one point, nothing new there. I’ve never been great at focusing on tasks, I day dream too much. It doesn’t take a genius to guess who I was day dreaming about today. 

The thing is I wasn’t even thinking about him in a romantic way, well not exactly. My brain kept coming up with different reasons for how he felt ; there was the past friends turned bullies, the unaccepting parents, the abusive parents? My head was spinning with all the possibilities. I just wanted to know. 

I never thought it would have been all three. 

*Blaine’s POV* 

By the time Kurt showed up at the Lima Bean I had already had time to drink two cups of coffee and even more time to procastinate over telling him the truth or not. He wasn’t late, five minutes early in fact, but I just couldn’t stand hanging around in my house any longer than necessary. 

Sometimes it’s like that. Some days all I want is the peace and quiet, for it all to stop. But then there’s the times when I find the silence suffocating, when all I want is to be normal. 

He seemed to spot me immediately when he walked in, he didn’t smile when he sat down. I didn’t know if this was a conscious decision or a reflex. I didn’t really care either. 

“So you came.” 

“You didn’t think I would?” he matches my tone precisely. 

“No.” I knew he would. 

There’s silence for a few minutes, it’s not unfriendly. Just quiet except for the chatter from the tables next to us and the traffic outside. 

Kurt orders and turns back to me “To tell the truth,” which is apparently something we do with eachother “I’m surprised _you_ came.” 

“Thought I’d chicken out.” I know this isn’t what he meant 

“No.” I nod and the quiet falls over us again. Kurt starts fiddling with his cup, they gave him a takeaway not a mug, I don’t remember if he ordered that or not. How long is he planning on staying? 

We're beginning to get some strange looks from neighbouring tables when Kurt eventually takes a swig of his coffee and I have to try hard to suppress my laugh when he screws up his face and almost spits it back out in shock. “That’s why you get the iced option.” I say holding up my own and chuckling. Huh I guess I got a takeaway too. 

“Ah well you’re clearly smarter than me.” He laughs as well but stops abruptly, as if remembering something. “Blaine.” “Kurt.” “Don’t try that with me!” “Try what with you?” I use my most innocent voice but it’s fooling no one. “Never mind, just... can we talk about why we’re actually here.” 

“Ah yes, how I asked a cute boy out on a date.” My own words take me by surprise, they do that sometimes little rascals. “Blaine. You know what I mean.” He’s doing his best to sound irritated and suppress the blatant blush spreading up his cheeks. 

Suddenly I can’t be bothered with the confidence act right now. 

“Ok fine, but before we start I need you to know that you’re the only one who knows the whole story, well except me.” I just need him to know, because screw it I’m going to tell him everything. Why shouldn’t I? 

“Okay.” he takes another sip of coffee, schools his features into a sympathetic expression, and, after a moment of consideration grabs my hand. 

“Alright,” and suddenly I don’t know how to start. All my life it’s felt like this story has been ready to come spilling out of me at any moment, and now, when I can actually allow it to, the words just won’t come. 

“Take your time, alright.” Kurt’s voice is calm and he rubs his thumb against my hand, he makes me feel safe, safer than any therapist ever has, safer than I’ve ever felt with my own family. 

I take another deep breath and dive in. 

“My father has hated my since the day I was born. All my life I’ve been the spare, the sissy, the one he never wanted. And it’s true, he didn’t, doesn’t, want me. Neither did Mum to begin with, but when they found out she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t kill me. 

He was never convinced, but he decided it barely even mattered to him. He had Cooper. Cooper his perfect, groomed, successful, talented, egotistical son, he didn’t care what happened to me.” I stopped talking to look at Kurt, he nodded encouragingly and kept stroking my palm. 

“I guess he only cared when I started being “wrong.” I’ve always known I was gay, I don’t remember a specific moment I knew, it was just always there. I never thought it was a big thing until I tried to come out to my parents. My dad, he went mental, chucked a fucking lamp at my face, smashed a mirror, it was insane. And that was the moment I saw his true colours. I knew he wasn’t my biggest fan but I never thought he’d go that far. He screamed at me, called me a fag, a fairy, swore until he was blue in the face. 

And my mom just sat there, staring, she didn’t try to stop him, just watched.” I removed my hand from Kurt’s grip and took a sip of coffee and glanced back at Kurt for a second, he seemed shocked but as though he was trying to hide it. It’s not like I cared if he was shocked, I guess I would be too. From what it sounded like Kurt’s dad loved him, I'm sure he never dreamed this sort of thing happened in real life. 

Part of me feels bad for bringing this horror into his life but I guess he isn’t without his own demons, I find myself looking down at his wrists where most of the cuts were. Yeh, he can handle this. 

“You - you know none of that’s true right, you don’t deserve that.” he seems unsure of his words, tripping over them slightly, doesn’t want to set me off. “I-okay yeh. Can I just keep going?” I had barely even got started at this point. “If that’s what you want, sure.” 

“After that day, it was like he lost all control. If I did the slightest thing, if someone else did something to disgruntle him, I would be his toy, his punching bag. It started happening most nights, I took up boxing eventually to attempt to fight back. To be fair, I don’t think Cooper knew how bad it was, he couldn’t ignore some of the yells or other sounds, but he’s seven years older than me and out most nights, my – our – father never did anything abusive to me while he was around. 

Mum knew, there’s no way she didn’t, but she was scared and I don’t blame her. He would have done the same to her with barely a second thought. I think she tried, at least, I like to hope she did, to get him away, send him off on a couple more business trips, and while he was gone she would check up on my bruises, take me to a doctor sometimes, but generally act like nothing was wrong. For a few days every month we would act like a normal, happy family. 

Sometimes it seemed like she literally forgot what would happen when he came back, that maybe somehow things would change or be different. But I never forgot, the bruises were always there, standing out bold every damn time I showered, every time I changed,

And then he’d come back and it would start all over again. Nothing ever changed.” 

“Is this when you discovered music?” 

“Yes. Well, I always loved music, it was a form of escapsim, to feel someone else’s emotions instead of my own, to feel their pain, their joy. Anything. I just wanted to feel something.” 

Kurt lets out a soft breath “That’s what cutting is like for me.” “Really?” “Yes. To feel something different. To prove that I can do _something_.” “Huh.” Maybe now I understand. “I’m sorry, we’re here for you, keep going.” Any other time I would stop and talk more to him about why he cut, why he couldn’t see he mattered, but now the dam I built had burst and my story was flooding out. 

“When I – when I realised that _I_ could make music, that maybe I could be _good_ at something, it was amazing, felt like a miracle,” I think wistfully of the past for a moment, ‘but it all just made me even less popular at school. My grandad – mum's dad – died a week before our Sadie Hawkins dance, he was the only one who knew I was gay apart from Coop and my parents. He was absolutely fine with it, supported me even, and when I found out he was gone I couldn’t cope. I was so close to doing it then, but something stopped me. Instead I asked one of my few friends, Nathan, out to Sadie Hawkins, he was the only out person at our school then, I didn’t care who knew anymore, grandad always said his biggest regret was not living his life to the fullest. I just didn’t want that to be me in fifty or sixty years time wondering why I wasted so much.” I think Kurt’s expecting me to cry over my grandad but I can’t bring myself to anymore, it’s like my tears for him have almost dried up, I hate myself for that as well. 

“So we went to the dance, I was already regretting my decision at this point but I didn’t want to let my friend down and my dad was away anyway so I thought what the hell let’s do it.” I still can’t believe I ever went, I can’t imagine doing anything like that now. 

“We shouldn’t have gone. We were stupidly naive to think everyone would accept it. Some people did sure, those few friends of ours were fine. But those who were against us were much more vocal than those with us. 

Not just vocal-physical too. They caught us on our way out, I was starting to feel sick, I couldn’t stay there and Nathan was fine with going home. 

A group of jocks were waiting for us, they had already destroyed Nathan’s car and they jumped on us as soon as we walked out. We weren’t even doing anything, we weren’t holding hands let alone kissing, but just knowing for them was enough. 

One of them jumped on my back, got me round the throat, strangled me enough to pass out. I don’t know exactly what happened to Nathan, I got told he had a head injury, that they most likely banged it against his car. They broke his leg too, I never saw how bad the injuries were myself. I haven’t seen Nathan since that night.” I haven’t actually seen anyone from that school since and, Jesus, I hope it stays that way. I know my voice sounds blank, I know Kurt must be weirded out by the lack of emotion I am showing. I have to tell it this way, try and distance myself from my story, I can’t stand to think about that time more than necessary. 

“That was the night I truly broke. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. I woke up alone in a hospital room the next day. None of my family came to visit. Cooper only came to sign my release papers a few days later and then he was off, back to Hollywood again. 

I didn’t wait long to try. The night I left the hospital I found my way onto our roof and just stepped off.” Flashes of that night scream through my head, the ground coming closer, closer, closer, barely time to register, and then, suddenly the world went black. “But it wasn’t enough, not that time. Maybe it would have worked yesterday, maybe it wouldn’t have. We’ll never know now I guess.” And the truth is I am, at least some part of me is, glad that I was there, that I’m still here and I can finally tell this story. 

“They all came back then. I was impossible to ignore this time. They – _He_ – couldn't just write it off as a friendly fight gone wrong. You don’t just trip off a roof.” a smile flickers briefly across Kurt’s face at the thought. 

“Dad ran away as soon as it was acceptable, said he couldn’t deal with the extra stress. Fat lot of lies, but at least I’ve hardly seen him since. 

Mum on the other hand actually stayed around, she sent me to therapists, psychologists, some stupid camps, anyone or anything that she thought could fix me. 

For a while we got along just fine, maybe not love, but at least like. And then one day I, ruined it all. 

I just got so sick of her always being at my back, it was like she was constantly watching me. So I – please don’t think I’m a monster Kurt - I lashed out at her, literally slapped her face, I remember the sting, the sting on my palm afterwards and I just remember thinking that however much I hurt it must have hurt her ten times more. 

There was a note in the kitchen when I got up the next morning. She said she had set everything up for me to start at Dalton and that she hoped I would be safe there. I’ve only seen her twice since. 

I’m not an idiot you know, I know why she left, she – she thought I was turning into my dad. And you know what hurts most, I just – I'm worried she might be right.” It pains me to say it out loud, to admit one of my deepest secrets in the middle of a packed coffee shop. “Oh no, honey no. Hey, from what I’ve heard and seen your nothing like your father. He sounds terrible and he is the monster here not you okay.” 

“Thankyou. And thankyou for listening as well.” 

“Anytime.” And for the first time I think someone means it. 

“You know I’d do the same for you right.” “Well, I mean, it is the least you could do after I spent ages listening to your whole dramatic life story.” I laugh way more than necessary, it feels good to let all the tension I built up from reliving all that out, in another way than boxing or singing. 

“No but I actually would like to tell you more.” “Yeh, sure.” I am really interested. 

“Okay just not today, I think we both need a break right now.” “Me too,” and I don’t know what makes me say it but, “Actually no one’s home at my place want to come over.” 

Kurt laughs “Is anyone ever home at your place?” “Well, besides me, not really, however that is beside the point Mr...” Shit. I don’t even know his last name. “Hummel. Kurt Hummel.” “Well, Mr. Hummel, what do you say we head back there now?” Kurt giggles bashfully “Okay lemme just call my dad real quick.” “Sure.” he heads a bit away, while I get money out to pay, I can still hear him laughing as the waitress comes over. God, I love his laugh. 

Wait What!


End file.
